I never tried to guess where they went to school or why theycame to the P.S. 163 playground to play…we were always playing stickball orsome form of urban baseball…there was a basketball court on the other side ofthe concrete baseball “field” but I only played there once or twice…the olderkids would play basketball and the silly young kids would play their form ofbaseball…I happened to notice this a lot…when I would get bored or tired andleave, I would go to my building, get in the elevator and take it up to the 11thfloor…before I would go to my apartment, I’d look out the window of the hallwayto see what they were doing and most of the time they’d be gone…I guess when Ileft, others left and it was contagious?...like one by one?...or I was alwaysthe one who gave the other kids the idea that it was time to go home??...
if I was conceited I’d start thinking I was the “life of theparty” but I was far from that as a youth and so I was mystified…did the gamesreally revolve around me?...I remember this Puerto Rican kid named FreddieRoman…he had two older brothers, twins…”Ralphie” and “Johnny”…I don’t remembermuch about the other kids, names or faces…this was over 35 years ago…we wouldall play ball, just a random group…and my three best friends were usuallythere, sometimes not…Chuck, Billy, and Boris…they lived in my same building…
I even went to the playground on the weekends sometimes…it’scalled the “Happy Warrior” playground because that was the nickname of AlSmith, for whom P.S. 163 was named…I’d often confuse him with Alfred E. Neuman,the cartoon character from the cover of Mad Magazine, but no…Al Smith was thefirst Catholic to run for president on a major party ticket…in 1928…
So this one day…not sure if it was a Saturday or aSunday…there was a small group of us…probably about 10…this one kid came alongthat I had never seen before…black kid, by the name of Kippy…he was a couple ofyears older than my friends and I, we were all about the same age…some of thePuerto Rican kids seemed to know him and they seemed to be a little fearful orwary of him…and then announced that he hates white people and was going to beatup a white boy…
The racial dynamics of our group and I guess of New Yorkschool kids in general was interesting…the different kids coming from differentcultures and neighborhoods…all of the different experiences and attitudes andhow they interacted…although it was “interesting” to me then, it was just whatwas…everyone in my little world at this time was either black, white or PuertoRican…whites were a distinct minority in my school at the time…about20%...blacks maybe 35%, Puerto Ricans maybe 45%...Puerto Ricans are not likeMexicans…anyone born in Puerto Rico after 1913 has had automatic Americancitizenship…so they are far more Americanized…within my little group ofplayground friends, the majority was Puerto Rican, with only a few blacks, andthen maybe twice the amount was white…let’s say my little group was 75% PuertoRican, 20% white, and 5% black…
Who hates who was also interesting…you’d have blacks whohate whites but not Puerto Ricans, or who hate Puerto Ricans but not whites…theblacks seemed to be the most racist of the three ethnic groups…then you’d havePuerto Ricans who hate whites but not blacks, or who hate blacks but notwhites…the white kids pretty much didn’t hate anyone based on race…they oftenstuck together out of common interests, liking the same things but not out ofdislike for other races…
And so when Kippy showed up saying that he was going to beatup a white boy today, I was scared as hell…terrified…I didn’t know how tofight…I didn’t have the first clue…and I had no confidence in myself…I didn’tknow how to fight kids my own age and size much less a tough inner-city black kidwho was a few years older…I had the feeling he was going to beat all of uswhite kids up, one at a time…there were three of us whites in our group on thisday, two black kids, and the rest were Puerto Rican…and I felt soimpotent…gutless…like why don’t the three white kids just band together andjump him? Would the other black kids inour group join Kippy based on race if we did that? I didn’t know. I guess the other two white kids were justscared like me…I was thinking of just bolting…but I was frozen solid with fear…maybeif I ran he would have caught me and then I would have been the one to get beatup? Do nothing, I suppose…
The Puerto Rican and black kids in my group didn’t like it…theywere quiet, but you can see it in their faces they were scared even though theywere not Kippy’s targets…and so I saw Kippy start to make his way towardsMichael Petit because Michael was the closest one…Micheal was a kid withstraight dark brown hair and dark brown eyes…we always thought there wassomething wrong with him, we didn’t know what to make of him because he neverspoke…that fact was actually intimidating to me…I used to mess with people andmouth off to them and I messed with Michael one time, I think I took his ballor some other piece of his property and he gave me this pissed-off look like “don’tfuck with me” he looked like he was ready to mix it up and so I backed off andsmiled and gave him his stuff back, and ever since that time I was scared ofhim…I was always sure to be nice to him, and from then on to me he seemed likea guy who could fight…I had never seen him back down from anyone he was a niceguy but if you messed with him he would get up in your face…he never spoke buthe gave you this look like “yeah, fuck with me, I’ll kick your ass”…that andthe fact that he never spoke was intimidating to me…I imagined he was a bad-assand tough guy…
we thought Michael was incapable of speech but about a yearor so later, I found out he wasn’t…i was in the Happy Warrior Park, in theconcrete baseball “field” (probably looking for balls)…he was on the handballcourt playing with his parents and little sister…he yelled out something to oneof them and he had a very high-pitched voice, like a girl…so I thought, “aha! That’s why”…neither him nor any of his familymembers saw me…and that was after I had transferred out of the school…
so anyway…back to the story…Kippy started making his wayover to Michael and I see this look of nervous fear on Freddy Roman’s face, andthat of the other Puerto Ricans…Freddy was sort of their “leader”, or the mostoutspoken one…they all did what he said…and I looked at the two black kids inmy group and they had this very forlorn look on their faces…no one wanted thisto happen…the calmest one of us all was Michael!!…he had a look of concern onhis face…he wasn’t taking the challenge lightly he was scared as anyone shouldbe but not scared in the cowardly sense…I could tell he wasn’t going to run…hewas going to stand up and fight…I was thinking, “wow!! Good for him!”, inadmiration…he was looking right at Kippy and he had his two fists balled up andready to go…
so Kippy started getting closer to Michael and I heardFreddy call out, “nah, nah!”…”he’s cool, leave him alone, he’s okay”…and thenthe rest of the Puerto Rican and black kids chimed in, in agreement…all sayingthings like he’s a good guy, he’s a good white boy you should leave himalone…he’s okay…he’s our friend…
so Kippy agreed and turned away from Michael…then he lookedaround, looked at me and turned towards me, balled up his right hand into afist and started coming towards ME!!...and so my mind started racing about whatI was going to do…I was really thinking I should snap out of my fear paralysisand RUN…and then there was a small part of me that was very angry and I startedtelling myself I should fight…just try my best…punch as hard as I can, kick ashard as I can…but then I started thinking well I could get seriously injuredand so then the “sensible” part of me said no…I was thinking I was going to runmy ass off…but even then I had no confidence in my ability to outrun Kippy…Ididn’t know what to do…all of these thought processes took place literallywithin the span of about two seconds because much to my shock and surprise,Kippy had not even taken two steps towards me before the Freddy and the rest ofthe Puerto Rican and black kids started saying “no, no, no he’s cool leave himalone”…and then Kippy turned away from me without really getting anywhere nearme…
this was a total shock to me because I thought they didn’tlike me but they jumped to my defense even quicker than Michael’s…it took thema few seconds to call off Kippy when he was heading towards Michael but as soonas they saw I was his next target they called him off…they spent more timelauding Michael talking about how cool he was don’t beat him up and in my casethey just said, “no, no, he’s cool too”…but I didn’t care…
I was relieved, the whole thing happened over the course ofseconds and so I was glad I wasn’t going to get my ass kicked or have to run…I hadmy friends to thank for taking care of me but I still hated the wholesituation…and so there was only one white kid left and either he was going toget beat up or the rest of the kids in my group would call him off the one lastwhite kid and dissuade him from kicking anyone’s ass…something told me thatwasn’t going to happen…I didn’t think Kippy was going to leave “empty handed”…
Part of me was thinking the Puerto Rican and black kids inthe group should have spoken up but I sensed the situation was that look, Kippywanted to beat up a white kid and they saved Michael and then me but it’s likeSOMEONE had to get their ass beat up…Michael and I got exemptions but we couldn’tALL get exceptions…and so the only white kid left to beat up was DanKirkpatrick…a slightly chubby kid, blue eyes and very light, thin, blondehair…almost had the look of an older man who was going bald…or sort of ababy-face…thinning hair, dimples, big forehead…
This really sucked because Dan was the weakest off all of usthree…there was no way in hell he could hope to win or even to run…Michaeloften had this look in his eye like he wanted to fight…like he had it rough andcould scrap…one of these kids who had it really rough and learned how to fight…soMichael would have put up the best fight…I knew I was a total punk-ass but Danwas even weaker than me…like I could have beaten Dan up had it ever came downto it…the boy was a pussycat…I had gotten roughed up a couple times by my olderNew Jersey cousins and I knew a LITTLE about fighting…but Dan…no way…
and so Kippy made his way towards Dan and the Puerto Ricanand black kids were silent…they looked really said but they turned their facesaway, and started stepping back, as if they were going to just walk away…theydidn’t egg Kippy on…”yeah, beat him up”…they didn’t want Dan to get beat up butI sensed it they felt like they had to give Kippy someone…
I could see it in Dan’s face, he at first had this look onhis face like he was waiting for the Puerto Rican and black kids to bail himout…”what about me?”…he was kind of surprised they didn’t stick up for him…andthen after a few seconds he had this look on his face, “here it comes”…
So Kippy walked up to Dan, said a few words that I didn’thear and then punched him in the mouth…I just saw blood coming out of Dan’smouth and nose and he fell to the ground and started crying…then he got up andran away…and so our little group was silent and scared, and just stepped backand stared…then Kippy issued threats to both me and Michael and walked off…
I felt horrible for Dan…especially since I had tripped himonce in school before…about a year earlier…I was watching too much Bugs Bunnyfor my own good and became obsessed with tripping people…for a long time I wasalways on the lookout for someone running so I could stick my foot out and tripthem and see what happens…and at this particular time, that someone was Dan…poorguy always had bad luck…
He was running across this large area outside the school’sauditorium…running full speed, and so I stuck my foot out…he dropped his booksand went flying…from an execution standpoint, it was perfect on my part…hisbooks went flying through the air and he had his arms in front of him whichbroke his fall or let’s say kept him from falling face first to the floor… thefloor was kind of waxy, those janitors were always cleaning and waxing thefloors in school and so after he fell he slid a few good feet…if it wasn’t sostupid on my part it might have been comical…funny thing is that he didn’t knowit was me or he did know it was me and pretended to not know…but I don’t thinkhe or anyone else knew it was me…I had been standing with a group of people…ormaybe he thought it was his fault like I was standing still and he tripped overme by mistake…at any rate, I was waiting for some anger from either him and/orothers but no one knew it was me…
Dan got up and was kind of stunned and everyone was lookinglike holy shit…but no one asked who did it and he just got up and collected hisbooks…and no one really knew it was me or accused me of it…no one was payingattention they were all talking to each other when it happened and when Danwent flying they were like “wtf?”…then went on about their business…thought hemust have just tripped…
and I remember thinking, “Terry, what an idiot youare!”…angry at myself not for being mean but because I could have seriouslyhurt him and gotten in trouble…and there was a part of me who would not want tosee another kid seriously injured…I didn’t want to see any bloody kids I hadrecently got punched in the mouth by a black kid named Vaughn, and it requiredstitches…so I didn’t want to inflict a blood injury on someone else…I likedoing bad things to people but not like that…just teasing and such I didn’twant to really hurt anyone…and so that ended my fascination with trippingpeople and even for a while after that if I would see someone running I’d avoidthem so they wouldn’t trip over me by mistake and I’d tell them to slow downthey could get hurt…
And so as with a lot of things in my life I had at timesdone some bad things or gotten some bad happens and then learned it’s wrong andthen started going in the opposite direction…
But the entire incident with Kippy really got methinking…what would I have done if he had come towards me and they hadn’tcalled him off? I started thinking Ishould learn how to fight. I even signedup for judo courses at the YMCA about a year later, but it was a bunch ofbullshit…a lot of ceremony…we did pushups on our knuckles, we bowed and didwhatever type of Chinese or Japanese courtesies and rituals that are a part ofit…we learned to address each other respectfully…it was more like acalisthenics class than anything…finally we learned how to do some throws butthat seemed like a bunch of bullshit, too…I wasn’t strong enough to throwanyone and these kids in the street aren’t going to just let you throw themlike your “opponent” in a judo class will…the whole time, I was like “when do Ilearn how to fight”?...
These black and Puerto Rican kids were scrappers…this judoshit would be useless against them…and so I hated judo class and quit…I startedthinking hey I’m just a born punk-ass and no one can teach me how to fight…andso I lost interest in learning how to fight until many years later…the entireKippy incident faded into my memory and I just remember thinking I should usemy wits to stay out of trouble, just not hang out in the street where troubleis, or learn how to run very fast…
Looking back on it now, I’m pissed!...every time I think ofit…”damn white city liberal parents don’t teach their kids how to fight!”…thekid’s name was Dan Kirkpatrick…Irish…I thought fighting was in the Irish’sblood??...it is, but poor Dan had been sissified by liberal white urban America…theblack and Puerto Rican kids were so much tougher and I won’t even say it’s outof natural fighting ability, but ATTITUDE…
I wish more parents would instill a fighting spirit intotheir kids…I’m not saying to teach kids that fighting is the answer toeverything or you should want your kids to run around beating people up…I justmean giving the kids the attitude they need to stick up forthemselves…sometimes when you’re facing a bully all you need to do is show himyou’re willing to fight back, and often that’s enough…they might kick your assbut you know you’ll get in a few good shots and some bullies don’t want that,they want easy targets…so sometimes it’s just the willingness to fight and notthe actual ability to fight that can help you deal with a bully…kids need to betaught self-confidence!!…
Teach your kids…”this is how you break someone’s nose”…”thisis how you put down a male attacker, kick him in the nuts”…”if you’re scaredenough then pick up an object, practically anything you can get your hands oncan be used like a weapon”…”use the element of surprise, if you think someoneis going to attack you then you attack them first to knock them off theirgame”…”the shin is a weak point on any human being so kick him in theshins”…”pull hair if you have to, it’s not for sissies, anything to win”…”gofor the eyes, throw a liquid in the eyes or put something over their head toblind them temporarily”…and then, ”these tactics are not so you can walk aroundlike a bad-ass and pick fights with people, they are in case you have to defendyourself”…teach your kids the mechanics of how to defend themselves and theywill develop confidence…teach them to AVOID fights but that when they mustfight they should give their all…teach them how to fight but also WHEN to fight…
It would be nice to be able to go back in time to that Kippysituation, knowing what I know now…I’m not even saying that I would have beenable to kick Kippy’s ass…but I would have done something different other thanstand there paralyzed by fear watching my friend get punched in the face bysome bully…maybe I couldn’t have kicked Kippy’s ass and maybe I’d have gottenmy ass kicked but I’d have felt like more of a man if I’d have stood up to him…butI was never taught these things…in a lot of ways, I had to raise myself…
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